Happy Columbus Day

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean from Europe with borrowed ships on someone else's dime, or dubloon perhaps, thus giving us all a day off when we were in elementary school.  But it has come to my attention that we, as a country, are not properly honoring this great figure in American history.

So in the spirit of good ol' Chris, here are some ways to make the most out of your Columbus Day.

1.  "Hey, Indians."
Start small. Know a Native American?  Call him an Indian.  It's what Columbus would have wanted.  I understand that many people may not know any Native Americans as they are relatively rare these days (thanks, in large part,  to Mr. Columbus).  That being the case, you may just want to call anyone of a non-European descent by a name that doesn't accurately describe them.


2.  Take Advantage.
If you think you're ready to take things up a notch, you could approach the same non-Europeans we spoke of previously, and oppress them.  This can involve stealing their belongings, forcing your faith on them, or simply enslaving them.  You could even think up creative ways to give them infectious diseases.  Don't limit yourself.  Go wild.  


3.  "Discover" Something. 
Discover something that thousands of people already know about.  Ever had fries from McDonald's or checked out Youtube?  Now could be the time.  Just make sure that you tell everyone you know about it like you were the first.


4.  Wear a Frilly Hat and/or Puffy Sleeves.
Columbus seems to have them in nearly every artists' representation I've ever seen.  When else are you going to have a good reason to do it?


5.  Take a Trip.
Is there some place you've been itching to visit?  A trip you've been just dying to make?  Go, go, go!  BUT do it with a Columbus Day twist.  Simply stop before you get even remotely close to your actual destination, get out, and just call it by the name of your initial goal.  Insist that you are, in fact, at your destination until you yourself are convinced of it.  For an added Columbus Day bonus, get someone else to lend you their car and pay your expenses.


6.  Claim something!

Don't waste your trip.  If you see something you like, just claim it for yourself.  Place a flag, put it in your bag, or whatever.  For those of you who are unable to leave town, don't forget about that nice house you pass every day on your way to work.  So what if someone lives there already?  Just inform them that their home is now yours.  


Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you do it with the same sense of entitlement and superiority that Columbus himself would have had. Happy Columbus Day.