It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.

BUT WHY????  


Here we are, still days away from Halloween, and major retailers everywhere are already preparing for the holiday season.  While the isles of the stores are still cluttered with drooping rubber masks and sacks of candy shaped like pumpkins and bats and all that fun spooky shit, the trees and ornaments are coming in on the loading docks and going straight to shelves and display windows.  And before the clock even strikes midnight on October 31st, Christmas angels and nativity scenes will be rushed into every vacant seasonal spot, next to the deeply discounted slutty cop outfits and unrealistic knives leaking fake blood, creating a veritable nightmare before Christmas the likes of which Tim Burton himself could not rival (though perhaps he could remake it with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter in the lead roles).

But it's not the cheap glowing panties next to baby Jesus that really bothers me.  What really bothers me is the relegation of the any sort kindness or generosity of "the Christmas spirit" to the few days leading up to December 25th.  The first weekend of October, it was kind of cold out and I gave a homeless man a handful of change.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "Hm. This feels a lot like Christmas."  It's almost as though if the opportunity to help isn't gift-wrapped and dropped into a persons lap, then the need isn't even there.  I would gladly suffer through hearing a thousand and one renditions of the public domain classic, "Carol of the Bells," and even "Feliz Navidad," (yes, "Feliz-fucking-Navidad") all throughout the year if even a small bit of the whole good-will-toward-men mentality of Christmas lasted year-round as well.

I guess this year, when the bells start ringing, and Jose Feliciano starts singing, maybe everyone could just try to look at it as a good time to start being nice, instead of a good time to save 20% on Tickle-Me-Elmos.  In the meantime, I'm saving up all of my spare change for some discounted Halloween Captain Crunch.  Those ghosts turn the freakin milk green.  Awesome.

Happy Columbus Day

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean from Europe with borrowed ships on someone else's dime, or dubloon perhaps, thus giving us all a day off when we were in elementary school.  But it has come to my attention that we, as a country, are not properly honoring this great figure in American history.

So in the spirit of good ol' Chris, here are some ways to make the most out of your Columbus Day.

1.  "Hey, Indians."
Start small. Know a Native American?  Call him an Indian.  It's what Columbus would have wanted.  I understand that many people may not know any Native Americans as they are relatively rare these days (thanks, in large part,  to Mr. Columbus).  That being the case, you may just want to call anyone of a non-European descent by a name that doesn't accurately describe them.


2.  Take Advantage.
If you think you're ready to take things up a notch, you could approach the same non-Europeans we spoke of previously, and oppress them.  This can involve stealing their belongings, forcing your faith on them, or simply enslaving them.  You could even think up creative ways to give them infectious diseases.  Don't limit yourself.  Go wild.  


3.  "Discover" Something. 
Discover something that thousands of people already know about.  Ever had fries from McDonald's or checked out Youtube?  Now could be the time.  Just make sure that you tell everyone you know about it like you were the first.


4.  Wear a Frilly Hat and/or Puffy Sleeves.
Columbus seems to have them in nearly every artists' representation I've ever seen.  When else are you going to have a good reason to do it?


5.  Take a Trip.
Is there some place you've been itching to visit?  A trip you've been just dying to make?  Go, go, go!  BUT do it with a Columbus Day twist.  Simply stop before you get even remotely close to your actual destination, get out, and just call it by the name of your initial goal.  Insist that you are, in fact, at your destination until you yourself are convinced of it.  For an added Columbus Day bonus, get someone else to lend you their car and pay your expenses.


6.  Claim something!

Don't waste your trip.  If you see something you like, just claim it for yourself.  Place a flag, put it in your bag, or whatever.  For those of you who are unable to leave town, don't forget about that nice house you pass every day on your way to work.  So what if someone lives there already?  Just inform them that their home is now yours.  


Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you do it with the same sense of entitlement and superiority that Columbus himself would have had. Happy Columbus Day.